Friday, September 4, 2009
Who are we to Judge?
This recent political election, the presidential election, has caused a stir in the LDS church. As is well known, a certain member of this church ran in the primaries for the Republican party. To the disappointment of many (including me) he lost and I feel from many conversation that that dissapointment has turned into a kind of resentment. Surely not towards those he ran against, those are Republican and as a result share many of the beliefs of those who are also Republican, that would be stabbing ourselves in the foot. No it all goes to the man who won, a Democrat. It's very easy to lay all resentment at his feet, to slander his name and to protest his wrong-doings. But what I see is that those who do this do it based upon the opinions and comments of others. They have no right to do this, because they have taken no time to find out for themselves what he has done wrong, because we represent the church in all things that we do and judging others, even the representative of our nation, upon unfounded opinions is something we are taught not to do. What kind of image do we give others of the church?
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Good opening sentence; it helps lead your target audience into your article. But what about those that have paid attention and spent time learning about what Obama has done? Sounds like they're not really part of your target audience (which might actually be your plan - I can't know on only one paragraph :D ).
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ReplyDeleteYour topic is intriguing. And i have found it's one many people relate to. Politics is always something that creeps into conversation, so i don't think you will have trouble catching your audience's attention. That being said, the tone and syntax need some work. I have two suggestions. First, remove clutter. The first sentence could more simply be put "The recent presidential election". Second, your tone unintentionally makes you yourself sound ignorant. The phrase coming to mind is "They have no right to do this". I would disagree. I have every right to do whatever i wish. So those are just a few things to chew on
ReplyDeleteOkay I love the topic. I was also heart broken about Mitt Romney. I was intrigued at first, but somewhere in the middle I got lost and confused. Maybe you should use some names instead of saying he, those, they? My eyes did start to glaze over a bit. I had to read it twice to actually get what you were saying. So first remove clutter. And second reword things, and work on your sentence fluency. Other than that...great topic!
ReplyDeleteThis is a really great intro. I like the imagry of the metaphor "stab ourselves in the feet." It really brings to life what you are saying. I don't know if this is intended, but the use of "(including me)" and "I feel" brings a certain informal feel to the writing. Depending on the style of writing you wish to present, I would consider replacing the references to yourself. It is clear what your position is whithout such things.
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