I decided to come to Brigham Young University for several reasons. The most compelling of these reasons were the academic excellence expected, encouraged and achieved by students and faculty, and the spiritually uplifting environment that infuses the campus. I felt that BYU would be the best place for me to grow in spirituality, maturity, and intelligence. As a lifelong member of the LDS church I place great value on my relationship with God and my family. I eagerly anticipate the day when I can start a family of my own. However, at this stage in my life I believe that my focus should be on my personal relationship with God and academic success. I know that I am spiritually or emotionally mature enough to start an important relationship like marriage or to start my own family. By virtue of being a freshman at BYU and having had may relatives attend and graduate from BYU, I would argue that dating and marriage are overemphasized with regard to students at BYU.
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I like your topic and the arguments you make, but it is not clear to me who your intended audience is. Is this intended for the administration?
ReplyDeleteThis seems like a tough argument to make. You would have to back up your claim with some pretty good examples to convince me. If I was your audience, I would say exactly what Mrs. Wiest said, "Who are you to tell me how much I should date?"
ReplyDeleteAlso, I think it would be better if you mentioned your argument towards the beginning of the paragraph. I didn't know what your argument was going to be about until the very last sentence. I had to re-read the paragraph afterwards to see exactly what the first part was leading up to.
This is going to be a hard argument to back up. A lot of students here are striving to get closer to god and for academic success. Along with striving for those goals they are trying to build relationships by meeting people and dating. This is a helpful experience as part of college life and in developing social skills and relieving stress by having fun. I would focus more on the waiting until after a mission to appeal more to what students find acceptable. It's going to be hard to convince people to not date as much.
ReplyDeleteI feel like you didn't grab my attention quite enough. I think adding a couple questions would help out a lot. Also, I think that you could hint on your topic a little earlier in the paragraph. Dating and marriage isn't mentioned as an argument until that last sentence. It feels a little sudden and out of place compared to all the talk of academic excellence earlier.
ReplyDeleteHow are you going to convince students on campus to put less emphasis on dating and marriage? It's a part of our LDS culture and religion to search for and find our eternal companion. It started off slow and I didn't know where the paragraph was going until the very end.
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