Often time decisions are made without looking at the “big picture”. Although a certain decision may fulfill one task or be the solution to one problem, in reality, it can be counter productive although it may not be apparent. Brigham Young University (BYU) is guilty of this rash decision making. Wednesday and Sundays 7pm-9pm are relished by the students at BYU, awaited for every week. What makes these hours so precious to the freshman students? These are the visiting hours, solely set aside for the company of the opposite gender. We, as the freshman body, believe that these hours are much too small and that increasing the hours will lead to much better results. Increasing student’s happiness, improving grades, and making BYU a more sanitary place, longer and more frequent visiting hours are essential to improving life here on campus.
When I read this, the first impression that I got was that the main point of the opinion is mainly about visiting hours. You did include other points to support your argument, but by introducing all of the reasons in the opening paragraph, and already placing a huge emphasis on the visiting hours, the introduction has changed to a summary before the argument has started.
ReplyDeleteYou have good points to base your argument off of. My only suggestion is that you don't mention them in the first paragraph and add more on your stance of the "big picture".
I got a little lost in the beginning and wasn't sure exactly what the article was about. I don't really know who your audience is either, whether its the student body, just freshman, or administration. The last sentence is packed with too much information that you should ease into the article later on, it also didn't read very smoothly. I suggest you split the last sentence into two sentences by making "Longer and more frequent..." it's own sentence.
ReplyDeleteI do like you opinion, but I'm not sure if it's safe to say "We, as the freshman body." unless you really confirmed that the entire freshman body agrees with you on this point.
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