As a full time student living in the student housing at BYU, I am a first hand witness to the tremendous advantages of visiting hours. Visiting hours are extremely useful and essential to the success of our students. BYU’s current policy on visiting hours is rather limited in its ability to allow student interaction and social growth. If BYU were to lengthen visiting hours, the positive effects would be instantly noticeable. Social interaction, cleaner living quarters, and more study opportunities are all first hand benefits of extended visiting hours.
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Your argument is one i think many students would agree with, it just lacks construction. All the sentences in the intro could easily be the first sentence. They all basically state the same thing, and some are pretty vague. You could try using the last sentence as a starting point, and elaborating on all your supporting reasons. Also, note you are trying to convince the BYU administration to change these hours, I can see their counterarguments being: You socially interact with people all the time, and not much happens after midnight, and you should be studying during the day, the library closes at midnight, so that should tell us something. Just keep in mind the oppositions viewpoints
ReplyDeleteI think this is a great argument that BYU needs to address. However, when i first started reading your paper i thought you were going to talk about how the visiting hours are positive and dont need to change. You may want to state in your first sentence that you feel the BYU visiting hours are rather limited instead of waiting to mention it 3 or 4 sentences into your introduction paragraph.
ReplyDeleteOverall I think it's a great topic but I think you can do a better job at getting your readers' attention in your first couple sentences. Also, even though you are a full time student living in BYU housing, I'm still not convinced of how you are a 'first hand witness' to the advantages. I think you could elaborate a little more to make it more convincing.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all which housing area are you referring to when you suggest lengthening the visiting hours? This will have an impact not only on what arguments you can use, but on which arguments will be used against you and on the audience you will need to address. Second, while you do a good job of providing the information needed in an introduction it isn't very creative or attention getting. What can you do to catch the readers eye?
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