Monday, September 7, 2009
WELCOME TO BYU
There are numerous freshmen arriving into BYU each year, ready to commence university. They’re excited to become acquainted with new people, and begin residing on their own. Before coming, however, they’re each asked if they would like to register for New Student Orientation (NSO). My parents encouraged me to, saying it would be a good experience. I would beg to differ. In our Y groups, we weren’t put with girls from the ward we’d be attending, and I haven’t seen at least half those girls since. Also, they had the extravaganza Friday night. The problem was you were trying to meet so many new people it was overwhelming. And the problem with the dance Saturday night was that they had so many other activities to take part in, that half the people weren’t even at the “dance”.
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Your introductory paragraph is part introduction, part explanation. While the first half deals with setting the stage for your opinion, you started explaining your premises in the second half. While you can reveal your premises in your introduction, you should not discuss why each reason is beneficial or not to your topic until the next paragraph. Otherwise, it will become harder to flesh out your argument as you continue to write. You may repeat points that were already established in your introduction, such as how Friday night was so overwhelming.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Derek, while it had a decent introduction i didnt really find a claim, or a suggest point of change. The intro would make more sense if had a more defined claim.
ReplyDeleteYou very specifically point out the reasons why you didn't believe New Student Orientation was a good idea, but you offer no solutions. You would sound a lot less like a constantly complaining youth and more like someone who is trying to make a suggestion for the better if you present some alternatives that you believe would've been more beneficial to students.
ReplyDeleteGood argument. But like Derek, i feel like you are explaining more than offering your opinion about NSO. You may want to put the last half of your intro into another paragraph and then offer more off what your opinion is about NSO.
ReplyDeleteThis is a good idea and has potential, however, I feel that the intro is unfinished. You did a good job explaining the cons of NSO and such, but your claim isn't very pronounced. It can be inferred from your paragraph, but the whole intro would become much stronger if you came straight out and made a claim.
ReplyDeleteI like how your audience is easy to define when you start your paragraph. But it seems when i read it that you have almost two paragraphs. Your intro is to introduce the topic and give the reader an idea what it is and what it entails. You do this for the first three sentences and then you spend the rest of the paragraph bashing NSO. I think if you cut most of the bottom half and just introduced your standing on the topic that it would be more suiting for an introduction paragraph. Most of the second part can be pulled down into the rest of your paper.
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