It’s a biting December Sunday, and herds of worshippers trudge through muddy, icy slush as they try to make their way towards their ward building. A wall of black suits and ties strides by a shivering gaggle of girls who are tripping over their high heels as the 23º wind lashes mercilessly at their pantyhose-clad legs.
While it’s a wonderful thing that the men of the ward will be willing to hold the door open for these frost-bitten females, it’s a shame that no one is brave enough to open the door to a new era, one where both men and women wear suits and ties to Sunday worship. Several problems, including comfort in inhospitable weather, every LDS girl’s struggle to find modest church clothes and divisions among LDS girls based on dress and appearance would be solved by this change in women’s attire.
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Is this directed to the University or the Prophet or who? It might be too big of an argument to change the standards of women's dress. This paragraph was really good though on description and capturing my attention.
ReplyDeleteThe argument is good and has good humor. However i agree with Breton. It seems like you are trying to adress a group who is too large, which happens to be the BYU girls population, or girls in general. If you want to change fashion trends then maybe design and not writing is best.
ReplyDeleteI liked the story you provided at the beginning. It is, however, a standard that's been in place for a long time now. And the girls can wear long coats if they please, to protect themselves from the cold.
ReplyDeleteI like the story and the humor is good. However, it takes up most of your paragraph. All your reasons are squished at the end with no real back-up or explanation. Try using more space to highlight each reason individually; this will make your arguments stronger. Also, maybe I'm wrong, but can't girls wear anything so long as it meets the Honor Code? What keeps girls now from wearing suits now? Are you suggesting a forced uniform? Also, the problem addressed can be solved by girls just wearing long sleeves and long pants- not necessarily suits. I'd bring that up just for the girls that agree with you, but don't want to wear a suit.
ReplyDeleteI love the first paragraph of your introduction. It really draws the audience in and it provides a good premise for your argument, however you should make it more clear who the audience is. Also, the sudden change from fun and interesting in the first paragraph to rather boring in the second is slightly choppy.
ReplyDeleteGreat opening but I have no idea who this is directed to. And what about Winter skirts like they have in Russia? I think you should provide some sort of counter argument in here.
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