Monday, September 7, 2009
Pushing the Limits of the Honor Code
Almost every student has sacrificed something, whether great or small, to attend the great Brigham Young University. Yet, there are students who disagree with the Honor Code choosing to push its limits and fight the policies put in place for the safety of the students. What I want to know is why are they here? Why did they choose to take up a space that some other student, who would have been willing to sacrifice almost anything to be here, could have filled?
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Who are you trying to convince? It seems like you are asking yourself those questions. instead of saying "why are they here?" you should say "why are you hear?" that will just help to point out the audience.
ReplyDeleteThis left me wondering whether you were addressing the administration and trying to kick students out of BYU, or trying to convince students to better follow the rules. This seems like more of a discussion topic than an argument.
ReplyDeleteGood start, but you need more expansion. Try looking at both sides of the argument, yours and the readers, to pose credible and concrete evidence to support your argument. Including a personal example or experience that your have had with the Honor Code might soften your audience. Be more audible and keep working at your introduction, because it's really a good start, just enhance it and improve it with more.
ReplyDeleteWay to stick with your topic but it could use more. Like who are you addressing and how serious is the crimes they are commiting. You sound like you are wanting to kick out students who may break the rules a little. I would try to be a little more accepting of those students and maybe add ways in which they could easily follow the honor code.
ReplyDeleteYou make a good point because there are students who try to push the limits here but there is no explanation of how. In your introduction it seems like you writing about students who deserve to be here and why the undeserving students should be kicked out. You need examples of students pushing the limits and a thesis statement on how to make them stop, not questions about why they are here.
ReplyDeleteI can't understand what you are trying to persuade people to do. Are you trying to get them to leave or live up to the standards? This would be a good issue to clear up when you revise your paragraph.
ReplyDeleteI understande what you are saying but it would help if you used an example of people fighting against the honor code so people can relate better by notciing that people are doing it all around them.
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