Tuesday, September 8, 2009
No, you can only live where I want you to.
Although many incoming freshman are not aware but is common knowledge to anyone living off campus, to attend Brigham Young University you must live in approved housing. You can't live with your grandma, you can't live with your best friends family, you can't even live with the President of the LDS Church, Thomas S. Monson, if you wanted to. No. You must live where BYU wants you to and only in housing that is available to all students who attend BYU. I'm going to be completely straight with you. I don't have a problem with the rule. I like my dorms. My only reason for attacking this rule is because it just seems absolutely silly. As an apartment owner in Roy, Utah this seems absolutely absurd and extremely selfish for BYU to control the apartment market here in Provo. Where would we be if every market was ran like this? No, BYU. Quit being greedy, and give students a choice.
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I dont have a problem either with the rule, and i feel that it's within BYU's right to do what they want to. The main thing that i wanted to say was to mention that you have a sentence fragment in the end of your paragraph. "No, BYU." It really doesnt make sense to me. If it does to you then either keep it or ask another person thier opinion. A counter argument you might want to notice in your paper is effeciency. "Poor college students" as we are often refered to probabally dont want to live an hours drive from campus. Most of the students dont have cars and its essential to live close to campus. By only allowing students to live in registerd locations BYU can monitor how many people are living in the immediate area and keep students close to campus.
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ReplyDeleteYour writing has a lot of personality, but it's also so casual it might weaken the reader's opinion of your credibility. Also, the first sentence could be more concise. I would omit the bit about incoming freshmen and simply say "As anyone who lives off campus knows..."
ReplyDeleteI could sense a lot of emotion in this paragraph and that you genuinely believe in your opinion. It's great that your writing has a lot of voice. However, you might want to eliminate or change some of the unnecessary words such as "absolutely" or "extremely." The use of words like this occasionally can help give the paper more emotion but yours has so much already, you might want to make it more concise. There are a few things that are slightly redundant that you could cut out too.
ReplyDeleteI like your argument. Another thing you could use in your paper is that with this control on the "housing market" at BYU, students are often forced to live in less than adequate places. Land lords should be required to maintain a minimum standard of upkeep for there houses/apartments.
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