Monday, September 7, 2009
Livestrong For All
The Freshmen Fifteen: a phrase commonly understood to be a connotation of the average weight gain of incoming college freshman. Brigham Young University’s The Daily Universe newspaper recently presented an article on how to “Beat the ‘Freshman Fifteen’ ” which contained two major suggestions: To stay away from junk food and to exercise regularly. For exercising often the article suggested either purchasing a gym membership or regular use of the Richards Building facilities. Myself being an avid player of the sport Racquetball was ecstatic to have the opportunity to use the facilities and play racquetball several times a week if not every single non-Sabbath day. I was however disappointed to find that we had to acquire day use wrist bands for each and every day that we desired to use the facilities. Not an extreme inconvenience, rather a rather large annoyance. When the opportunity arose to buy a permanent, one semester use, latex wristband similar to the Livestrong bands which could only be acquired with the purchase of a locker I took it. Currently the way to purchase a permanent wristband is to buy a locker. There are approximately one thousand lockers in the male locker rooms at the Richards Building, I have never visited the Woman’s locker rooms but I am taking an educated guess that there are around one thousand lockers in that area also. In a school of BYU’s proportions two thousand wristbands doest cover much area. Instead of dispersing wristbands along with lockers BYU should provide semester use wristbands for students who desire them, and register for them.
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This is a great topic. I'm not entirely sure who is your audience. Also the line "rather a rather large anoyance", Cna you see what I see wrong? When you have repeated a word it feels strange to read, maybe you could reword this part.
ReplyDeleteThis is an amazing topic and I'm thinking that your audience is the commitee who sets up all of the locker sales, but I'm not to sure about that. You do have a good use of relating experiences which comes in handy ass you write.
ReplyDeleteYou do an excellent job of maintaining an educated-sounding tone while adding your own personality and experiences to the article. Your first sentence makes it sound like the opinion editorial is going to be about the freshmen fifteen. While it would be a fabulous topic to bring up later on, that easier access to athletic facilities could potentially reduce the number of students gaining weight at college, it should be mentioned later as a supporting reason, not at the beginning where it confuses the reader as to what the true topic of the paper is.
ReplyDeleteYou use a lot of 1st person pronouns and I would say that it has an effect of disconnecting you from your audience. I feel like you are telling story instead of attempting to convince your audience of something.
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