Monday, September 7, 2009
A head full of hair
The ever popular and clever, “That’s against the Honor Code” lyrics have been stuck in everyone’s heads since the very first day. Cheating, lying, inappropriate clothing were all mentioned and rightly so. They all lead down bad paths. However, what about hair length for guys? Has the length of a guy’s hair ever led him down paths of sin and unrighteousness? Brigham Young as well as many other Church and School founders had long hair and even beards. Unless I’m mistaken, they turned out pretty well. Besides giving students the same opportunities and respect as the founders, disbanding the hair regulations will also be another way for the students at BYU to express themselves. Besides, some people just have really ugly ears. Another positive outcome is that it will lead to more cooperation and less animosity between the students and the staff. Personally, I was frustrated that I had to cut my hair, causing me to have a negative disposition towards the staff of BYU before I even arrived. I would have been happier as a student and have much more school spirit and willingness to participate if I was allowed to keep my original length of hair. There are many issues that the staff of BYU does and should fight against. Why waste their time and our time as students fighting over whether the hair is above the ears or not?
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I agree with your arguement, though I think for a few different reasons. Here are two to think about: cost of haircuts, especially for males who, in order to keep up to standard, usually have to cut their hair every month or so, its just another expense we have to worry about;the winter season brings chilly weather, and rather than having to wear a face mask every time you go outdoors, why not grow a clean cut beard to keep your face warm? One other thing to think about is fluency. The first sentence ends,"since day one." since day one of what? The next sentence has to "ing" words then a not "ing" word. Using a word like, "dressing immodestly" could help the fluency there with some parallel construction.
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ReplyDeleteYou have a good number of short and long sentences. However, using many short sentences one after another can make your argument seem elementary. Perhaps you can strengthen your sentence structure by weaving more of your short and long sentences together and even combining some of your short sentences into longer sentences. For example, you can use 'However, has the length of a guy’s hair ever led him down paths of sin and unrighteousness?' instead of what you had in the beginning. It combines your sentences into one, varies the structure, and it helps your argument flow more smoothly from one sentence to the next.
ReplyDeleteThe only other problem I saw when reading this was your sentence about the "really ugly ears". How are ears going to contribute to your argument? Although it may be an opinion editorial, you need to keep the reader's focus on hair, not ears.
I can see that you feel strongly about your topic, but may I remind you to remember the counter argument. I have been able to think of a counter reasons for each of your reasons. Acknowlege that there is another opinion. Also, you don't want to offend your readers by making generalized comment's ie "some people have really ugly ears". This won't make the readers want to continue reading.
ReplyDeleteI had to cut off my glorious locks before coming here too, so I totally see where you're coming from. I just don't like the argument about Brigham Young, it's pretty weak because that was a whole different time period. I do think you're on the right track with individuality and expression through hair length. the sentence starting with "Another positive..." is really choppy just say something like "Less regulation will lead to...". The ugly ears thing has got to go too.
ReplyDeleteI love the topic that you chose; i know that many who read your paper will have an experience and feel the way you feel about the strict policy of hair coming over your ears. I thought the humor you added will hook the reader. Overall i think it was a good job.
ReplyDeleteI have never had any issues with hair length but i understand your argument. I liked your introduction but i was a bit unclear who you were addressing. Is it all guys in the church? Every guy at this school? Just the guys in the freshmen class? Legislative bodies to create change? I also think your introduction could be shorter. You introduce the topic well and keep the readers attention until after "express themselves". I believe you could take the bulk below this point and use it in another paragraph to support your introduction. But i would definitely close your introduction with your question at the end. Good paragraph overall and good support, just make it more concise and just introduce your topic.
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