Monday, September 7, 2009
The best intro you will ever read!
Are you experiencing overwhelming emotions about your first semester at college? I was having the same feelings as I received my acceptence letter from BYU. Having these feelings, I looked on the BYU website for any help that I could get while attending the university. Luckily, Freshman Academy is offered on campus. This program gives new students the opportunity to be in specific study groups and have the same classes with the people in your group. Freshman will be heavily focused on so that they can create effective study habits and make good grades in all their classes. Some services offered include peer mentors, student teaching mentors and a tutoring center specific to the program you register for. You will be making one of the greatest decisions of your college career if you choose to capture the opportunity that Freshman Academy offers.
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You have a good idea of how to construct an introductory paragraph. Utilizing a hook and then elaborating. From there i see it needing a couple tuner points. First is topic and audience. Who is your audience? certainly not BYU students, because the ones who wanted to be in freshman academy more than likely are, so you are just reaffirming what those people already knew. And the other is to make your writing flow smoother. A sentence i got lost on was "Freshman will be heavily focused on so that they can..." I didn't follow it.
ReplyDeleteFirst off, I'd change the title. As attention getting as it is, changing it to deal with your subject will allow readers to go in with the correct mind set. Also, your hook infers that this is directed towards incoming Freshman. If that's the case, focus more on the students sitting on the fence about it, not those already planning to do FA. Maybe give some downsides of not taking it- such as larger classes and no guarantee of classes. As Erich said, try and make the writing smoother, especially the 2nd half. But I liked the personal touch throughout the whole paragraph.
ReplyDeleteThe pathos you establish right off with the personal reference to your own feelings to relate to the audience is awesome. The paragraph overall definitely catches the attention of the reader. However, there are a few problems with clarity. Sentence five switches points of view in a way that makes it a bit confusing. I too got lost at "Freshman will be heavily..." I understood the idea you were trying to convey but it isn't clear and took me a minute to figure it out. This is a good start.
ReplyDeleteVery good choice of topic! You have some very strong arguments and interesting reasons. You ideas appeal to many and many can relate to your experience. the sentence fluency is a little choppy but could be easily fixed. Great job!!!
ReplyDeleteI liked the question you pose right out front to draw in your audience. I was confused right away though because your question focuses on overwhelming emotions about your first semester of college when in the next sentence you talk about getting your acceptance letter. Truthfully i was excited when i first received my letter. I was not concerned right away about the semester when i had just received it. I would change your second sentence to be smoother into your topic. For the most part you have good vocabulary and the facts but it needs more fluidity between sentences.
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